Two words: "My boyfriend"
Four words: "My boyfriend and I"

With that, I quietly shrivel inside. My only tell being how deeply I stare into space for a short second. Shit, I've invested an unexpected and unreasonably large amount of emotional capitol into daydreams about this fair lady. I had heard the words before, I knew I had, but I let myself wonder whether or not I had just missed the "ex" before the "boyfriend." It hurt more than expected but it always does. It hurts so nicely though, this tinge and twang in my chest. I get short of breath and fuzzy in the head just thinking about the possibilities. And I was fully prepared to ask her to join me for a nice meal and coffee in just a few minutes. At this point,  it isn't fear that stirs my insides. It feels good, having my heart on this high place. It's the unexpected and unknown that causes this elation. A curiosity or desire to see what lies on the other side of the jump. 

Now a new jump exists for me to clear: what happens next? Will my heart find another cozy crevice into which it may reside? Will I find one day the opportunity to reach out to her? Who knows? And how exciting that question is! Who knows? When will I find out? How will it all happen? What fun it all is! Until it all unfolds, I still have a clear path to happiness: Being a respectful fellow and making her smile. I think I'm getting better at the second one. I'm liking it more too. If nothing else comes from it all, at least there will be smiles. 

Fuck man. Writing about something like this? For real? Yeah, it's cliche as all hell. But hey, who says I should feel self conscious about catharsis and self expression? Too many people unfortunately... 

When green hills lie softly clapping their little hands to the sound of the blue sky above, why is it that I don't lie down with them? When all I want to do is to exist here and live in all it has to offer, why do I remove myself so far from it? Why do I enclose myself in molding walls sunk deep in the frizz of florescent lighting? If I lived the affluent life of a hunter gatherer, it would all cease. If I remove myself from society, my ability to prevent it from smothering the rest of us is nearly non-existent. To live in these hills I must first ensure they exist. Sadly, that means I must live in these walls. 

And yet, it truly isn't such a burden, is it? I am not so removed from nature. It was her who in fact grew this place from the fertile soils of humanity. There are a myriad of beautiful things to see and feel in this environment as well. I just wish it didn't mean having to give up the other ones. It doesn't, so to speak, but as it is now, it does.

Then I think to myself why? Why am I so determined to keep these green fields from turning to stone? What is it about this change that seems so disturbing? I don't know yet.

I've met a woman. Her name is Yixin. She was born in Beijing and grew up in New York. She's an art major at UHM and was in my chinese class for the first few weeks before switching back to french. Communication with her was sparse after that but when I was blessed enough to see her on occasion, my heart would attempt to break free from my chest so that it could give itself to her. Sweaty palms, stuttering, shallow breathing, the whole deal. 

We've fallen in love.

I haven't known her long but she has taught me a good number of things.

• No fear in relationships. I may or may not get my heart broken. I may or may not break her's. These things can not get in the way of me being who I am, doing what I do, and us caring for one another.
• Relationships are not exempt from change, the only constant. One day, she won't be the same person in my life. One day she won't be in my life at all. I have to do my absolute best to live in the present, cherish this beautiful creature in all her forms, and let her change or leave as she wishes. Open palm, not a closed fist. 
• Stone can be difficult, unmoving, and daunting. Her and I must be a river, slowly working through problems that arise. In time, we make our way to wherever life takes us. In doing so, we carve magnificent canyons. Perhaps one day we will reach a fork and split into two. Eventually, we all return to the ocean. 

I am writing all of this both as a reminder as to what is important and to help me understand exactly why I feel as I do.

We are separated by several thousand miles of land. I'm currently in a remote area of Oregon where I have limited cell phone service. I wrote yesterday night. She wrote and called back but I didn't notice the message until later that evening and didn't get the voicemail until this morning in town (where I get reception). She wanted to hear my voice before she went to bed. Touching. 

I called back after I walked to the point at which I got a signal, called, and left her a voicemail. I later left her a message on facebook. The situation was explained. She has not yet contacted me back.

I admit that I am once again afraid. Afraid that by not being there promptly, I have in some way hurt her. Afraid that she is no longer willing to do the long distance thing, even if for only a summer. Are these fears rational? The first one is not in the least. The second one only slightly more so as she's had problems with long distance and considered being just friends after a single event that went less than swimmingly. It's only been two weeks though and she doesn't hide things. She puts them out there. So no, they're not rational at all. 

So why am I afraid? Because the possibility exists that she may no longer want to be in a relationship with me while I still want to be in a relationship with her. Because I'm still coming to terms with what I've learned and figuring out how to put it into practice. Because this cake is fucking delicious and I just want to keep eating? No, too gluttonous a metaphor. 

What do I do? I do what's best for her, myself, and us. I try to let go of that fear and let beauty be. I can't mistake desire for love. Just like I'll hear from her when I hear from her, I'll see her when I see her. 

The next question is how do I take that to heart and replace fear with love?